I’m high all night.

Most people make a choice about being high. My body has been making the choice for me the past few weeks. Apparently, there isn’t enough insulin in the world to bring me down while I am sleeping.

I’m normal or in range after breakfast. Hopefully, I am not boiling my baby to death. What a terrible thought! This picture enters my mind every time blood sugar starts getting wild. I increased again for nighttime basal. It’s probably the fifth time at this point.

I’m meeting with my obstetrician on Thursday. Then we are going to set up a daily check in. She is amazing. She manages diabetes and babies.

This process is so emotional for me. I want everything to be perfect and I want to be prepared. I don’t feel like any of those things at this point. I am taking cleansing breathes.

My head, my boobs, my stomach…..

Everything hurts. I haven’t had coffee in three days. That is a record for me. Whoever said water gives you energy, when you drink it, in the morning, lied. Hopefully, I’ll be good after two weeks. I never thought I would say this, but I am going through withdraw and it blows.

Meanwhile my boobs are so tender. They are not big, so I am hoping they grow. How long does this soreness last?

Same for my stomach, it’s a dull pain in the center. I can tolerate it, but it is annoying.

Plus, my blood sugars have been wild. I contacted my diabetic guru. Lucky for me, she knew I was freaking out, and we made some adjustments. Hopefully, there is no long term damage to the baby. I am waiting to hear back from my obstetrician. I hate waiting. I have so many questions, and no where to go with them.

I’m sick and it’s late….holy cow!

I have had a summer cold since Sunday. As you probably know, when T1’s get sick, the blood sugar s obscenely high. Meanwhile, I have been using a +50%, temp basal all week. It’s keeping me in control for the most part.

The part that is freaking me out…..my period was supposed to start on Tuesday and it is now Thursday. It’s not that late, but it’s the waiting. Waiting to find out does my husband have super sperm and I’m now with child. It’s too soon to tell. This feels like the longest week of my life. Ugh! I am going to stay busy so I don’t have a melt down. I am so nervous.

Fannie Pack

So I am trying to bring the belt bag also known as the fannie pack back in style. I recently acquired a black leather one with Las Vegas written on the side in gold letters.

I wear my fannie pack when I am working out. It fits my CGM, blood tester, glucose tablets, my cell phone, and keys all in a fabulous shelf above my butt. My hands are free and my movement isn’t inhibited. I am thinking about bedazzling my Fannie Pack to make it more awesome .

Let’s unite to get the Fannie Pack trend back in style.

Sex and Snacks

Let’s get REAL for a second. Sex is an activity. It is always an unplanned activity for me. It is the one thing that is a happy surprise.

I take my pump off during sexual relations everytime. It just gets in the way and ultimately I feel lame wearing it during foreplay or intercourse. Afterwards, I check my blood sugar.

I have gotten low during and after sex. It depends on the level of activity and length of time. The key point is not to fall asleep after sex without checking your blood sugar. I have done this and it ends in disaster.

Sometimes, my pillow talk involves a snack with my husband. I am no different than anyone else. I can do anything non-Diabetic people can do. I am just more awesome because sex with me usually results in snack time. Who doesn’t like snacks!

Ode to the Office Cake

Oh, delicious cakes in the office. You are chocolate, my favorite. You have strawberries and wonderful icing. Sweet, sugary goodness, I miss you. How I hate you!

Willpower is a difficult thing, but I did not eat any cake. I am having complex emotional responses to foods and situations I am trying to avoid. I am nauseous and cranky.

This reminds me of my 5th grade birthday party at school. All the students with birthdays in May were invited to eat ice cream with the principal. I had to eat whole wheat crackers and peanut butter. I felt like everyone was staring at me. It was as if I was broken and weak. Later that day, I have no memory of walking home from school. The next thing, I remember was laying in my bed and my Mom had forced me to drink orange juice. I had started crying over the ice cream. My Mom told me when I asked her about it years later that I was having a lot of swings. She seemed like she regretted the decision as it wasn’t really a big deal. I think it was my emotional response that bothered her the most.

This situation from my childhood is the best way to describe how I am feeling. Left out, lonely, annoyed, and wanting to experience the easy way just this once.

Off-Kilter

When one looks up the word off-kilter in the dictionary, it is defined as not balanced. Balance is an issue for any diabetic. Finding balance is something, I have always struggled with.

This week, I have been running low. I am in the process of adjusting things. The recovery from the low is hours of high blood sugar. I usually correct and use an increased temp basal. I just feel tired from it all.

Also, when I start having low blood sugar, I become moody and not myself. As a result, I am having mixed feelings about getting pregnant. Money is tight. Healthcare costs and inflating prices for basic necessities are holding me hostage. Plus, I have a large amount of college loans.

My husband and I work as a unit with our finances. My fear is can I afford to have a baby. What if my baby has Diabetes? Can I really do this?

The majority of people I know do not put this much thought into having kids. Most of my friends became pregnant by accident. I am fearful that I won’t be able to after all of my effort and if I do I may be broke and stuck here.

My mom wants me to open up and talk to her about my feelings. I feel as though she doesn’t understand. I know that she can’t help me in the money department. I have been self sufficient since 18 only asking for help from family a few times in desperation. I always paid back my debts quickly. I am not sure what to do.